Dirge of Gifts

I live in a world where it seems like everyone else knows.

Their purpose, their path, how the world goes.

And though I'm aware of the illusion that pursues,

The semblance endures, casting shadows askew.

“Life is a friend, a giver, a jest.”

Then why do I find myself unlike the rest?

For they declare the greatest gifts they’ve received from the sky

They shine in the sun, their mind at a high

But I'm left in the dark, wondering why,

Lost in the shadows, weights upon me lie.

Pulled down by burdens, the sadness cuts deep,

I don't know the gift, and the secret I keep.

The greatest thing life ever gifted, I don't know,

A heavy heart, sore shoulders, I row.

I search around, my tears silently flow.

Should I cut through deep? A life to throw?

But there’s fear that grips, an unease of a kind,

For death, a shadow, an unknown abyss

Where mortal coils, we slowly untwist.

And upon realization, we will find

Is this the mere destiny to which we are confined?

A world with war, sickness, and evil

Yet death remains the enigma of which no retrieval.

If I knew of a gift, perhaps I can be spared

Of a life debating, my destiny undeclared

Life's gifts might seem kind at first sight,

But they crumble fast, like day turning night.

We know the gift of life is wretched

There is sickness and evil to which life is wedded

The gift of time is one that’s enchanted

But human nature makes it so it goes for granted

The gift of health is doomed to decline

The gift of a person, not always assigned

I envy, I envy those who have found

Whose worlds are together, their feet on the ground

Who has no worries of whom to meet post-death

Save some, oh save some for all of the rest

To watch others reunite amongst the stars

While I stand in darkness, weeping with my scars

To watch others kiss, smile with tearful delight

While I’m gone, in silence, an empty sight

No person to greet, or hug, or share

And the burden of my ugliness, too heavy to bear

As those I love, in their quest to grow,

Gaze at others, and the seeds of doubt may sow.

Physically, they see the shining form so fair,

Admire the grace that seems beyond compare.

In my lifetime, I will never be

Equivalent to the ideal they yearn to see

This dissonance from life's intended course,

Perplexes, yet daily I endorse.

Because I wasn’t given the gift of beauty

For damn me, as a woman it is my duty

For if I were gifted the grace of beauty's glow,

I'm certain people's reactions would undoubtedly show.

Their gazes, warmer, with admiration they'd gleam.

In a world where beauty often reigns as a dream.

I'd notice the subtle shifts in their regard,

How their kindness and attention came less marred.

A newfound confidence, a different way I'd feel,

But reality's weight fades the illusion repeal

I dont eat, I dont skip

In pursuit of a beauty, I can't grip.

With each denied morsel, a fragment of self thins

In the ravenous frenzy, I'm captive to my own sins.

Thus, what’s living a life I dont want to be mine

To end it all, but I don’t have nine

But why live, if all is despair?

It’s a fucked-up-grim-dilemma, both choices present a fate ill-prepared.

What kind of sick joke is this, I ask,

Where happiness eludes like an impossible task?

Days blend into a bleak, colorless blur,

A relentless, despondent, joyless inferno of passionless stir.

To live is not to pursue, but that’s how it is

“Life's meant to be tough”, but that's just a cruel quiz

Is this the grand design of a creator above?

To afflict us with suffering, devoid of love?

I'm left to ponder, to rage, and to groan,

In a world where the light of hope seems overthrown.

Each dawn breaks with a cruel, mocking smile.

As I trudge through the hours, weary mile after mile.

Life's absurdity and cruelty on full display,

A bitter, twisted game we're forced to play.

Yet still, I persist, in this twisted affair,

Bearing the burden of a fate ill-prepared

I dont want to live, I dont want to die

A happy ending is not where this lies

As life cuts deep with it’s shiny knife

For I won’t have a “gift” till the end of this life.